


Breathing (Without You)

by extrasolarish



Series: I Have To Lie...I Have To [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:32:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28852116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extrasolarish/pseuds/extrasolarish
Summary: Minghao can’t breathe without him.But he has to learn how.
Relationships: Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu, Kim Mingyu/Xu Ming Hao | The8, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Wen Jun Hui | Jun/Xu Ming Hao | The8
Series: I Have To Lie...I Have To [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1221437
Kudos: 27





	Breathing (Without You)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a companion to Half of Me.  
> You by no means need to read that before this one, but it might help you with context.

Minghao doesn’t remember when he fell in love with his best friend.

Maybe it was during his first few days at his new school. He didn’t have any friends and a tall tanned boy with a blinding smile rushed up to him and decided to take Minghao under his wing. Minghao had never been one to make friends, it distracted from his studies and the new burden of caring for his sick father.

Or perhaps it was a few years later when Minghao got beaten up because he was smaller than the other boys and an easy target, but the same boy who now was his best friend, went up to the biggest bully in school and punched him in the nose. It resulted in a week suspension, but after that no one dared to mess with Minghao.

Minghao didn’t mind the freedom of being himself, not worried about what people thought of him. Others would pity him when they found out about his father, but not Mingyu. Mingyu understood Minghao’s need for support and care. There would be days when he forgot to eat or sleep, and Mingyu forcibly made him rest.

It could have been the day Minghao’s father died and as he laid on the floor, his body shaking with grief, strong arms pulled him up and allowed him to sob into a warm chest. A soft voice promising to never leave him. He came to believe that voice. The comforting voice always there for him to rely on. 

Whenever it had been, Minghao didn’t understand his feelings for Mingyu until their last year of high school when Mingyu started dating for the first time.

Minghao was always confused why Mingyu never dated. He was tall, funny, sweet. Maybe he didn’t have the best grades, but he was still popular. At first Minghao had thought it was just the fact that his best friend stopped hanging out with him as much as before in favor of his new girlfriend.

But when he turned a corner at school after hours and saw Mingyu kissing her up against a locker, he stopped breathing. He froze for a second trying to wrap his head around the feeling curling in his heart. He couldn’t stand it, he realized. It was like a scene from those cliche love comedies, but there was no laughing.

Minghao wanted it to be him.

If Mingyu was going to kiss someone, it should be him.

The more he thought about it, the stronger the feeling became. It had always been there, he just never acknowledged it enough to put a name to the feeling. 

The walk home was a blur, his feet taking him down the street, through the door, up the stairs, and onto his bed. How could he not have been aware that he was in love with his best friends?

He remembered several instances throughout their friendship that should have made it obvious that he was, but he had always put it down to natural ‘best friend protectiveness’.

All of the times that he had touched Mingyu when someone else was getting too close, those times when he had stared someone down because they had looked at Mingyu with a glint in their eyes that scared Minghao, and that one time he had returned the favor of getting suspended for defending Mingyu when someone made a dirty joke about him.

He never told Mingyu why he got suspended...for some reason it seemed like something he needed to keep a secret, but now he knew why he felt that way. 

After that day it had gotten strained. Minghao tried to stop himself from pulling away from Mingyu, but every time he saw him with an arm around that girl, and the one after her, and the boy after the second, his chest tightened and he felt anger clench his fists. 

Something had changed with Mingyu as well. Like a light being switched. But not on.

The light switched off, and now Minghao was lost without it.

Minghao would never have put Mingyu down as a playboy, his best friend was one of the nicest and most considerate people he knew, but for whatever reason, Mingyu would date someone for a month or two and then break up with them. He had stopped sharing things with Minghao too.

Before, they were inseparable, with each knowing everything about the other. But then Mingyu just...stopped. It was as if he didn’t care about anything anymore. Minghao had made himself stay a part of Mingyu’s life, only he now saw himself as a secondary character.

With him gone, Mingyu had no one else. 

Their friendship began to repair when they went to college. They had planned to attend the same school, and were lucky enough to get accepted. Minghao was surprised when Mingyu agreed to be his roommate.

Over the next four semesters it was like the last year of high school never happened. Minghao had gotten a handle on his feelings, and he let himself live with the knowledge that he loved this boy, even if he would never show it in the way that he wanted to.

They were back to best friends again. Minghao could again see every shift in Mingyu’s eyes and what each movement meant, could sense what he was thinking. 

But then Mingyu pulled away again. 

Mingyu decided to get a studio apartment and live by himself, so Minghao moved in with some of their other friends. Their relationship wasn’t strained, but it wasn’t as strong as it once had been.

Minghao wanted to know why. 

-

Minghao walks through the crowd pushing hair off of his forehead. He’s been searching for Mingyu now about a half hour, but no luck so far.

They had come to this party together, but as soon as Mingyu saw the alcohol he ditched Minghao. He’s been doing that a lot lately, getting so drunk that Minghao was forced to drag him back to his empty apartment and make sure he was still breathing on the bed.

With Mingyu gone, Minghao has been circling the room, saying hi to friends and giving indifferent greetings to guests. He spots his roommate Jihoon in the corner with an eager looking boy trying to pull him into conversation.

Minghao snorts softly.

He’s seen the same boy trying to befriend Jihoon before, with little success. Jihoon doesn’t open up easily, and Minghao is impressed the talkative boy is still trying.

He finally spots Mingyu sitting in a corner by himself looking miserable. Minghao sighs and walks over.

When Mingyu notices him his face immediately shifts from broken to smiling. 

“HaoHao!”, he slurs, “You found me!”.

He giggles to himself for a second before falling back against the wall.

Minghao can hear faint snores and he sighs.

So that’s how it’s going to go tonight. He was hoping he would be able to have some fun, but it looks like another night of taking care of the man he’s in love with and can never leave alone no matter how much he tries. 

He stands up and goes to a sideroom where he had tucked his coat before coming back to Mingyu. He stands there for a second slightly alarmed because he can’t hear the snores anymore and Mingyu is sitting very still.

He kneels down and shakes him a little more roughly than is probably necessary. To his relief Mingyu picks his head up and and stares at him blearily, Minghao feels his heart go from the pit of his stomach all the way up to his throat.

As he stares, Mingyu’s head drops to Minghao’s chest and he sags forward, Minghao gasps at the sudden deadweight in his arms. He groans as he sits up and hauls Mingyu to his feet,

“This is going to be a fun walk home.” he thinks bitterly, but then the weight shifts under him.

Minghao looks over and is surprised to see another boy holding onto Mingyu from the other side. He smiles gratefully, “Thanks. He’s heavier than he looks,” 

The boy nods, “No problem, you looked like you could use the help,” Minghao nods before reaching out his hand,

“I’m Minghao by the way. I’m this idiot’s best friend”.

They shake hands, “Wonwoo,” the boy says, “I’m friends with Soonyoung who’s trying to seduce Jihoon over there”.

Minghao glances over at the couch and smirks, “Oh yeah, he’s been trying for the past week. Good luck to him”. 

Wonwoo agrees, “Jihoon doesn’t seem like the warmest person ever…” 

Minghao nods, “He’s better when you get to know him.” 

They were brought back to the problem at hand when Mingyu slips down between them. Wonwoo grunts as the weight shifts. “Alright Minghao, where are we taking him?”

They dragged Mingyu through the crowd.

“His apartment isn’t too far away” Minghao says through gritted teeth, “This is the third time he’s done this in the past few weeks, and I’m getting a little worried about him.”

When they get outside a silence falls over them as they focus on not dropping the tall boy onto the hard concrete.

After what seems like forever, they arrive in front of a small apartment complex. 

“Should we call his roommate?” Wonwoo asks. 

Minghao shakes his head, “He doesn’t have one. That’s part of the reason I’m worried. He’s always alone at home.”

They get him into the stairwell and pull him to the third floor at the top of the building. Minghao sifts through Mingyu’s pockets and leaves Wonwoo leaning against the wall in front of Mingyu’s front door. He glances over to Wonwoo and can see him studying Mingyu’s face carefully.

Mingyu lets out a series of wracking coughs and he watches as Wonwoo pounds Mingyu’s back.

Minghao takes back his half of the weight when he finds the key that unlocks the door and they pull him through. They make their way into a bedroom, and practically throw Mingyu onto the bed.

The two boys sit heavily on the floor, panting and trying to get their breath back. Minghao lifts a finger and after a second of hard breathing, he manages to get out a tired ‘thanks’ before he gets up and goes into the kitchen. 

He turns on the faucet and splashes water over his face before leaning against the sink and taking a deep breath. He’s seen the way Wonwoo was looking at Mingyu. It was the same look that all of those people Minghao scared off in high school had. Perhaps not quite as predatory, more innocent and curious, but he still knows what it means.

He hears loud coughing coming from the bedroom and when Wonwoo comes out looking a little worried, Minghao almost asks if something is wrong, but decides against it. He waves tiredly to Wonwoo as he leaves, and stares around the apartment.

There are clothes and take-out boxes scattered around the living room. Minghao has half a mind to go kick Mingyu awake and make him clean up the place, but he just shakes his head and begins to straighten up, at least enough to make it look more presentable. 

Once he’s done, he goes into the bathroom and pulls out a few pill bottles to place on the counter with water and a note that orders Mingyu to take them when he wakes up. He gives one more glance around before he leaves, then trudges down the stairs into the night air.

His head is filled with what-if as he heads home.

What if Wonwoo shows up again.

What if Mingyu falls for Wonwoo.

What if Minghao gets completely forgotten.

His heart is getting heavier with every step so he tries to tell himself to stop with the dark thoughts. 

When he steps in the door of his apartment he can hear his roommate Seokmin grilling Jihoon about a boy that he had talked to at the party. It must be that Soonyoung Wonwoo had mentioned.

He kicks off his shoes and they look over at him. 

“Did you go home with someone Minghao? I didn’t see you leave.” Seokmin grins savagely.

Minghao glares at him, “You know the answer to that question, I had to take Mingyu home, as always.”

He sounds bitter even to his own ears, and it takes him by surprise. He doesn’t resent Mingyu for this, he would do anything for his best friend. 

Seokmin opens his mouth in surprise, “Hey sorry, I was just joking,” he trails off. 

Minghao nods apologetically, “I know, I’m just really tired right now, sorry for snapping.” He tries to smile but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

He walks past them into his room, closing the door and sags against it. He feels himself sliding down onto the floor. He claps a hand over his mouth when he feels the tears well up behind his eyes. He’s tired of feeling like this.

Like his heart is being ripped in two every time he does something for Mingyu only to have it dismissed as him being a good friend.

He feels selfish for thinking like that, but sometimes he just wants to tear the band-aid of his feelings off and have Mingyu know how he feels. He knows Mingyu is too oblivious to figure it out on his own, so unless he tells him, there’s no way it’s going to happen. 

He hears a knock at the door and jumps at the sound. He quickly wipes his eyes and straightens his face. Jihoon is standing on the other side looking sympathetic,

“What happened this time?” he says softly.

Jihoon is the only person who knows how he feels about Mingyu, and he always seems to know when something is wrong. 

Minghao slumps back to sit on his bed, wringing his fingers, “There was...another guy”, he says softly.

Jihoon sits next to him and his silence urges Minghao to continue. “I could tell by the way he was looking at Mingyu,” he chokes out a laugh,

“I used to look at him that way too, like he’s the most beautiful person to walk the earth.” 

Jihoon nods, “It was Wonwoo wasn’t it.” 

Minghao’s head snaps up, “How did you know?” he asks. 

Jihoon snorts, “He’s friends with that guy Seokmin was asking me about, one of his roommates apparently. Soonyoung is really...different.” 

He sounds hesitant, and Minghao squints at him, there’s no way. Does Jihoon like Wonwoo’s friend?

He never thought he would see the day that Jihoon blushes over someone, yet here they are. He briefly considers poking fun at him, but because he enjoys having all of his bones in the correct places, he decides against it.

Jihoon looks back at him and smiles tightly, “I know you don’t want to hear this, but you can’t expect Mingyu to be alone for the rest of his life. He’s eventually going to find someone, and it’s not going to be you if you don’t tell him how you feel.”

Minghao knows it’s true, but he doesn’t like to think about it. He nods and stays silent, not trusting himself to speak. Jihoon seems to understand what he means.

He stands up and ruffles Minghao’s hair before walking out. 

-

Over the weekend Jihoon offhandedly mentions to his roommates that he has ‘plans’ with Soonyoung today, and both grin at each other in understanding.

They follow Jihoon around as he gets ready, and he has to threaten them to get them to leave him alone.

Once he’s left, Seokmin tells Minghao that he and Mingyu should come along with him to ‘accidentally’ bump into Jihoon and Soonyoung. Seokmin is practically cackling as he runs to grab a jacket. 

Minghao pulls out his phone and calls Mingyu. “Hey what’s up Hao?”, Mingyu sounds drowsy.

Minghao laughs, “Did I wake you up, your highness?” Mingyu grumbles unintelligibly at him, “Seokmin and I will be at your apartment in a few, okay? We’re going to stalk Jihoon.”

He can feel Mingyu gearing up to ask why but he dismisses it, “I’ll explain later, just be ready to go.”

Mingyu is still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes when they arrive at his door and drag him out. Seokmin remembers that Jihoon had mentioned a cafe near campus, so they start on their way there. Minghao pokes Mingyu’s side, 

“Hey”, he says softly, “Are you doing okay?”. 

Mingyu jumps a little, but laughs, “Yeah, I’m just not sleeping very well these days,” he frowns, “I keep having the same dream about someone, but his face is all blurry and I’m not sure who it is.” His own face looks conflicted. 

Minghao swallows thickly. 

“Well, getting out and having fun will help you forget.” He smiles encouragingly and Mingyu nods in agreement, finally looking a little more tranquil. 

As they get nearer to the cafe, Minghao looks in the window and his heart drops at the sight of a familiar face.

Why was Wonwoo with Jihoon and Soonyoung?

Wonwoo looks up and catches his eye, waving with a wide smile. Minghao tries to make his face blank and waves back. Jihoon is glaring at them scarily as they walk in and sit at the table.

Minghao knows that he and Seokmin are going to be in big trouble later, but it will be worth it to see Jihoon on a date. 

Minghao glances over at Mingyu who had sat next to a flustered Wonwoo. His heart felt like it was trying to make its way out of his body through any way possible, twisting and making it hard to breathe.

Mingyu looks happy; really happy, and Wonwoo is looking at Mingyu as if he’s the sun. He tries to keep himself busy with talking to the couple who are desperately skirting around their feelings.

Jihoon had insisted this wasn’t a date, but anyone with half a brain could tell what’s happening.

Minghao can’t concentrate on anything when his eyes keep getting dragged back to Mingyu who is talking intently with Wonwoo. He keeps the pain away by laughing loudly and keeping his mind busy with getting to know Soonyoung. 

As they’re getting ready to go, Minghao turns to grab Mingyu to go home, but he’s surprised to find him already halfway out the door with a red-faced Wonwoo.

That’s all it takes to break his resolve.

He mutters a quick goodbye to Seokmin and practically runs into the evening. He finds himself in a gloomy park after a while, and throws himself to the ground, his shoulders shaking as he begins to sob loudly. There’s no one around to hear them so he doesn’t bother to try and keep quiet.

Or that’s what he thought.

When the broken sobs start to fade he opens swollen eyes to look up at the faint stars, wishing he could be among them in their silent shining beauty, not worrying about these silly feelings for someone who will never think of him in the way he so wishes they would. 

He slowly sits up with a groan, but then shouts in surprise when he sees a dark figure sitting a few feet away from him. The mysterious figure jumps and Minghao can hear it,

no it’s a him,

apologizing profusely. 

“I’m so sorry”, it was a soft lilting voice, “I heard someone crying and I wanted to make sure you were okay.” 

Minghao coughs, surprised. “Oh...that’s a little creepy, but thanks. I’m alright now. I guess.”

His voice sounds weak and cracking, but he doesn’t try to pretend he’s not both of those things. The man is silent for a second, 

“You guess?”, he finally says, “Are you sure?”

Minghao nods and starts to awkwardly stand.

“Um, thanks but I should go.” 

The figure nods back at him and apologizes again.

It was an unsettling walk out of the park. Minghao looks back at the figure who was still sitting on the grass, the same position that he himself had been in, staring up at the sky.

Minghao can make out little in the dark, but he does notice soft brown hair and a strong jaw.

He shrugs and continues home. 

When he makes it to the front door, he pulls out his phone to check his face. His eyes don’t look too swollen, and his cheeks have lost their red flush.

He tries to sound chipper when he greets his roommates, and they barely look up from the TV as he walks past to his room. His mind is filled with thoughts as he gets ready for bed.

Mingyu is going to fall for Wonwoo. He could see it in the way that Mingyu had looked at him.

It was different from the ways that he had looked at others in the past. There had been genuine hope in his eyes, and Minghao was preparing himself for what he had dreaded all of these years.

Mingyu is falling in love.

-

Minghao was right, and it happens in front of his eyes.

He watches as his best friend and first love falls for someone else. Over the weeks he senses the way Mingyu shifts. He always has a starry look in his eye and he talks about Wonwoo in a way that only those who are in love do.

Even though Minghao feels as though his heart is dying, he can’t bring himself to resent Wonwoo. His best friend looks genuinely happy for the first time in years. He always sits on Mingyu’s couch after his dates and listens to Mingyu regale him dreamily with everything that happened.

Minghao is resigned to the fact Mingyu has found someone, even if that person wasn’t ever going to be him. 

Minghao loses track of how long this has been going on, and he’s starting to come to terms with it. He no longer feels out of breath when Mingyu brings up Wonwoo’s name or what they had done together, he can actually feel happy about how well their relationship is going and he wants Mingyu to continue being so happy.

Mingyu is building a life for himself, and he isn’t going to get in the way of it. 

It all comes crashing down one day without any warning.

Minghao is sitting in Mingyu’s apartment playing a game on his phone and waiting for his friend to get back so that they can go to the library together. His head snaps up when he hears the front door slam and quick steps making their way into the bedroom.

He thinks he hears a choked sob coming from the hall and jumps up, practically running towards Mingyu’s room. He knocks on the door but there’s no reply. He knocks again, more desperate this time. 

“Mingyu,” he calls, “Are you okay?” 

He jiggles the handle when there’s still silence, and finds it unlocked. He opens the door hurriedly and glances around the room.

MIngyu is lying curled up on top of his bed, sobbing into the sheets. Minghao makes his way over to Mingyu and lays down next to him, wrapping his arms around the shaking boy.

Mingyu turns around and buries his head in Minghao’s chest, causing Minghao to let out a sharp breath as the larger body collides with his and squeezes tightly. 

He holds Mingyu silently until he can hear his breathing soften and steady out. He looks down and sees that Mingyu’s eyes are closed and face wet.

Minghao shifts Mingyu in his arms, and when he’s more comfortable, he lets himself fall asleep too. 

When he wakes up, Mingyu is still holding onto him but he’s awake now, staring up at Minghao. Minghao sighs and glares at Mingyu. 

“What’s wrong, is there drool on my face?”, he rubs a hand over his face but finds only slight stubble. 

“No,” Mingyu says softly, “I was just thinking about when it was that I forgot how important you are to me.” 

Minghao snorts, “That doesn’t seem like a good thing to say to your best friend when you’re lying in his arms.” 

Mingyu hides his face in Minghao’s chest, “Yeah, but it needs to be said.” He’s chuckling, but it slowly stops as he looks up again,

“Seriously HaoHao, I think I’ve been taking you for granted and not appreciating what an amazing person you are and how much you mean to me.” 

Minghao smiles, he hadn’t expected such a confession this early in the day, but it made his heart feel warm. He pokes Mingyu’s side, 

“You mean a lot to me too dummy, I won’t ever let you forget it.”

He doesn’t usually declare his feelings out loud, preferring to use actions instead, but for some reason he thinks that Mingyu needs to hear them right now. 

Mingyu’s face shifts, and Minghao knows he wants to say something.

He’s silent and waits.

They stay staring at each other for longer than would usually be considered acceptable, but neither of them want to look away.

Mingyu finally opens his mouth, “I have something I need to tell you…” he trails off and Minghao encourages him to go on.

Mingyu looks torn and gazes past Minghao’s face, considering his options. He eventually shakes his head, “Never mind, it can wait.” Minghao smiles in understanding, he can wait if that’s what Mingyu wants. 

He untangles himself from Mingyu and pads to the bathroom, taking in his own disheveled appearance. He enters the kitchen after washing his face and combing down his hair to find Mingyu making coffee. He wordlessly hands Minghao a cup made just the way he likes it.

Minghao takes a sip before speaking. “Hey, what happened last night?” 

He tries to say it sympathetically, not pushing Mingyu to say anything he doesn’t want to. Mingyu glares down at the tile floor. 

“Wonwoo and I broke up,” he spits out, “Or at least I think we did.” 

Minghao almost chokes, but tries not to sound too affected. “Why?”, he coughs, “Did something happen?”. 

Mingyu shakes his head, “Not really, it’s my fault.” His face looks distraught and Minghao walks over to gently pat his shoulder. 

“I’m sure it wasn’t”, he tries to comfort, but Mingyu shakes off his hand. 

“No, it really is my fault. I was too weak and I messed everything up.” Minghao doesn’t know what that means or what to say, so he just stares at his friend. Mingyu stands up and places his mug in the sink, smiling vaguely at Minghao, 

“Don’t you have class or something today?” 

Minghao knows this means Mingyu wants to be alone, and puts his own mug next to Mingyu’s. He makes his way to the door and grabs his shoes.

“I’ll see you later, call me if you want to talk.” he says halfway through the door. He knows when Mingyu needs space, and he respects his friend too much to push him. He tries to suppress the way his heart is beating erratically, in a way that it hasn’t in months.

The way that he has been training it not to beat. 

-

It’s like the times he realized his feelings for the first time, only much more painful the second time around. This time he knows what he needs to do but he doesn’t want to do it.

He needs to help Mingyu get back together with Wonwoo.

In his past relationships, Mingyu had gotten over the person fairly quickly, seeming untroubled by his newfound singleness. It’s different now. Mingyu is getting paler and thinner each day. His tanned skin always seems clammy and Minghao is worried over a bad cough that he’s had for a few weeks now.

Minghao finds himself staying in Mingyu’s apartment most nights now, to make sure that the boy is taking the medication Minghao found in his cabinet that said “Take daily”, but for some reason Minghao has never seen it before. The label is smudged so he isn’t sure what it is, and Mingyu never answers when he asks, so he eventually just gives up.

He makes sure his friend eats, sleeps, studies, and helps him to keep his apartment tidy. After it seems like Mingyu is starting to get ahold of his life again, he starts to encourage Mingyu to go out and get some fresh air and finally after days of begging, Mingyu agrees, annoyed.

He pulls on his shoes, but points at Minghao, telling him, “Stay.” before leaving. Minghao laughs loudly, there was a glimmer of hope that Mingyu was coming back to himself.

He was asleep on Mingyu’s couch when the door opens, jolting him awake.

Mingyu is standing there looking shaken, and he fell to the floor as Minghao watched, his shoulders shaking with wracking coughs. Minghao hauls him up onto the couch and runs to get a glass of water.

When Mingyu can finally breathe again he looks exhausted. He’s staring up at Minghao and smiling bitterly, “I saw him again, at the bookstore.”

His words are soft, but the pain behind them is immeasurable. 

Minghao brushes the hair out of Mingyu’s face, “Are you okay with that?” He wants Mingyu to be happy again, and maybe seeing Wonwoo again will make him realize that they could start over again.

Mingyu contemplates the question for a second, 

“I think…” he starts before stopping to rub his face, “I think I’m going to move on.” He’s pulling away from Minghao now. He rubs his neck awkwardly,

“You should leave HaoHao,” he’s not meeting Minghao’s shocked gaze, “I can take care of myself, you don’t have to keep helping me.” 

“Please, Minghao.”

He sounds like a glass ornament wrapped in a box, hard on the outside, but ready to break at the slightest movement. Minghao’s mouth tightens. He’d used to giving his friend space when he requests, but it sounds different this time, more final. 

He goes around Mingyu’s apartment and gathers up the things he’s left there over the past weeks, ignoring Mingyu’s wordless gaze on his back. He waves curtly as he exits and doesn’t look back. 

Minghao finds himself in the middle of that dark park like so many months ago, staring at the stars mindlessly. He hears footsteps getting closer, and looks up to see someone approaching.

The man from last time. Minghao laughs humorlessly.

He has a knack for showing up when Minghao is at his worst. 

“You again.” 

“At least you’re not crying this time.” 

Minghao flushes. He hates showing his weaknesses, especially to strangers. But something about the darkness gives him courage to open up. 

“Have you ever been in love?” He asks softly. 

The man is silent for a beat, “Not in the conventional way.” 

Minghao doesn’t press the strange answer. “I’ve been in love with the same person for so long, I don’t even know when it began,” his voice breaks at the end, “and now he’s loving someone else and heartbroken and I can’t do anything about it.” 

He buries his face in his hands, “I want him to be happy...but I want that happiness to be with me.”

Minghao looks up at the face that he can’t make out in the dark. “Is that selfish of me?”

The man nods, “Kind of, but it’s the sort of selfishness that people should be allowed to have.” He sighs, “You can’t help who you fall for.” 

Minghao lays back on the grass, “I need to let him go.” 

He’s tried so many times, but this time feels different. He can now. His love isn’t going to be returned. It’s time to move on. 

The stranger hums. “You deserve to be happy as well, you know.” 

They sit in silence for a while.

“Are you real, or just someone I’m imagining so that I can get all my emotions out.” Minghao wonders out loud. 

He hears a laugh, “That’s up to you, I guess.” 

-

He doesn’t see Mingyu for a few weeks, only receiving an occasional text when he forces himself to check up on his friend. He reminds Mingyu to take his medication and keeps telling him to call if he ever needs to talk to Minghao.

Mingyu always responds coolly, thanking Minghao and reassuring him that he’s alright. 

Minghao goes about his daily routine and tries to keep order in life. He’s decided that he needs an outlet for the extra energy that would ordinarily be saved for Mingyu, but with it unused he feels jittery.

After asking Jihoon, he decides to join a tutoring group on campus. He is usually humble about his grades, but he knows that he’s top of his program, and he’s happy he can help other students.

His first day is a little awkward.

He’s surprised and a little overwhelmed that there are so many students but the head of the group, a graduate student named Joshua, tells him that one of the other tutors is gone for the week because of a family emergency, and that they’ll be back in a few days. He’s relieved when he hears that, the pressure lightening a little bit.

Minghao is enjoying his time spent studying with other students, and is getting the hang of this whole teacher thing after the first few sessions. 

As he walks into the study center the following week, his students wave him over to their table and pull him down excitedly. 

“Did you hear, Minghao?” they all seem to say at once. 

Minghao shakes his head, confused “No, what’s going on?” He tries to think if there are any birthdays or anniversaries that he’s forgetting, but he comes up empty after a few seconds of thought.

They all gasp, and the girl sitting next to him leans close, 

“The other tutor is back,” she says lowly, “His name is Junhui and let me just say, he always makes things interesting.”

He wants to ask her what she means by that when everyone looks up and yells in greeting at a brown haired figure standing across the table. The man who he assumes is Junhui has a bright, open face that seems to show all of his emotions.

Minghao thinks he can place him, but he hopes he’s wrong. 

Minghao takes him in while the other students say hello. The boy finally tells everyone that if they were going to get any studying done, they need to sit down and get to work. He plops his backpack on the table and is about to sit down when he catches Minghao’s eyes.

His smile grows bigger and he rushes over to him. 

“You must be Minghao! Josh told me that we had gotten another volunteer. I’m so excited to meet you.” His hand is stretched out towards Minghao, and when Minghao hesitantly takes it Junhui shakes his arm up and down excitedly. 

Minghao can feel himself smiling at his enthusiasm, but he pulls his hand away because it’s starting to hurt.

Minghao nods at the rest of the table, “Joshua said that there was another tutor, and I’m so relieved because I don’t think I could do all of this by myself anymore.” 

Junhui giggles at that. Minghao feels his heart flutter and he quickly looks away. He can see several students glancing up at Junhui and recognizes the starry eyes of innocent crushes. 

Junhui taps his shoulder, “If you need help with anything, just let me know okay?” Minghao gives him a thumbs up and turns back to the students next to him. 

Junhui is nice. 

Minghao realizes this as he’s spending three days a week, every week, with him now.

After the first few sessions, Junhui turns to Minghao suddenly and pokes his cheek, “Hey, I’ve been meaning to tell you, you can just call me Jun, that sounds more like we’re friends.”

Minghao gently swats his hand away without looking up from the essay he’s proofreading, 

“Are we friends?” he says. Junhui looks surprised, 

“Of course we are!” he sounds genuinely hurt and Minghao looks up to see a sad expression on his face. Like he has noticed before, Junhui isn’t good at keeping his thoughts inside his head, so he can tell that Junhui is seriously taken aback at Minghao’s words. 

Minghao sits up and waves his hand, “Oh, sorry, that’s not what I meant.” he wasn’t sure why, but he feels bad about teasing Junhui like that.

It’s not like he thinks of them as ‘friends’, more like acquaintances who happen to spend a lot of time together. Jun already knows too much about him. 

Minghao wants to keep it that way. 

It’s better than becoming close to someone then have them leave you after you put so much effort into your side of the relationship. He knows it’s not rational or healthy to think about friendship like this, but he doesn’t know how else to approach it.

Mingyu had hurt him, especially in the past few years, and now he’s taking it out on Jun. 

He smiles apologetically but doesn’t say anything else, instead turning back to the essay. He can feel Jun still frowning at him. Minghao is about to physically force Jun to look at the homework he’s supposed to be checking, but before he can Jun speaks again, 

“Can I call you HaoHao then?” The question is unexpected and Minghao looks up, staring at Jun sharply.

Minghao feels anger suddenly boil over, “No,” he spits out, “Don’t ever call me that.” He slams his books into his backpack and is running out of the room before Jun can say anything. 

His eyes are blurring as he runs blindly without a direction. He finds himself off campus and back in the park.

Honestly at this point he was losing track of how many times he has cried over his friend. He’s good at putting up a stoic face, but it all falls crumbling as soon as Mingyu is added to the equation. This time is no exception.

‘Haohao’ is a name that only Mingyu calls him. He remembers the first time he had been called that by Mingyu. He had felt so special and loved. He wanted to make Mingyu feel the same way, so he began calling him ‘Gyu’.

They were so happy at that time in their lives, their future bright and always pictured with them together, forever best friends. He stays sitting in the grass of the park until his eyes and nose stop running, then makes his way back home. 

It gets awkward after that.

Minghao can tell Jun is keeping his distance because he knows to give Minghao space after his outburst. Minghao wants to tell him he’s sorry and that he wants to go back to the comfortably distant yet amicable relationship they had before, but he doesn’t know how to say it.

He tries asking Jihoon, who tells him that bringing snacks will probably make things easier. So that’s why Minghao is standing in his kitchen cursing under his breath and spilling flour everywhere. At least the brownies he manages to make are decent, according to he guinea pig roommates. 

He’ll take it. 

He takes deep breaths and braces himself for the confrontation. Peeking under the foil he checks the brownies compulsively. One of the students walks past him, saying a quick hello, and he snaps back to himself.

One last breath, then he opens the doors. Jun is standing near the study table talking animatedly to a student, and Minghao almost loses his nerve. Jun sees him staring and his faces tightens, looking slightly guilty for some reason.

Minghao makes his way over to Jun and grasps the sleeve of his shirt, wordlessly pulling him away. He takes him out of the room and into an empty corridor, plate of sweets into his hands. 

Jun takes in a surprised breath, trying not to drop it, but then laughs when he sees what it is. He smiles at Minghao,

“Did you make these for me specially?”, he sounds teasing and Minghao feels himself flush. 

“Yes,” he replies, “I want to apologize for being so rude to you, you didn’t do anything to deserve that.” 

Jun’s smile becomes more understanding and he takes a step closer, “I should probably say sorry too,” he’s too close now Minghao thinks, “I assumed things and made you uncomfortable, For that I am truly sorry.”

Minghao nods, not looking Jun in the eye. 

“You…” he stutters, “You can call me Haohao if you want.” Xu Minghao stuttering? This has to be a first, he’s mentally slapping himself when he feels it.

Jun steps forward and gives him a light peck on the cheek, so innocent and gentle that Minghao almost misses it. 

Jun is pushing away from the wall now, “You can’t take it back,” he yells walking back to the room, “...Haohao”, he’s saying it softly and with such an affectionate tone that it has Minghao blushing even deeper than he already is, his hand on his cheek.

When he finally gets himself to walk into the study center and sit down, Jun is smirking at him. He’s calling over the table and Minghao struggles to hear him over the other students, 

“Hey Haohao, can you pass me an eraser?” 

He looks so smug that Minghao grabs an eraser and chucks it at Jun’s head, barely missing. His lips crack into a smile when Jun almost falls out of his chair in shock, but Minghao can see him laughing, and he ducks his head to pay attention to the students next to him that need help. 

-

Minghao likes the feeling of making a friend. He’s slowly letting go of the reservations that he had of getting attached to another person and is allowing himself to get to know Jun.

He comes to know the dorky guy who always knows what to say and can always make other people laugh.

Seokmin and Jihoon can tell something is changing with Minghao. They see the small smile that graces his face when he looks down at his phone, or the way he comes back from study group flushed and happy.

Jihoon asks him about it one day. 

He pokes his head into Minghao’s door, “Hey Minghao, do you have a second?”. 

Minghao looks up from his computer, “Sure, come in” he chirps. 

Jihoon sits on the edge of his bed, tucking his legs beneath him and glaring at Minghao. Minghao blinks, is he about to get yelled at? Jihoon points at him, “Do you have something to tell me about?” he doesn’t sound angry, “Or rather ‘someone’?” 

He keeps staring Minghao down and waits for an answer. Minghao sighs, he had hoped Jihoon wouldn’t notice anything, but he should have known better. He glares back at Jihoon, 

“Would you believe me if I say no?” he snaps his computer shut and sits forward. 

Jihoon snorts, “I know there’s something going on, but I want you to tell me instead of having to find out myself.” Minghao thinks about it for a second. Jihoon is probably the closest friend he currently has since Mingyu doesn’t talk to him much anymore. 

“Alright here’s the thing,” he starts, “Yes, there might be someone, I’m not sure what’s happening.” He hugs his legs to his chest as Jihoon silently encourages him to go on. 

He begins again, “I’m not used to liking anyone else besides Mingyu. I was in love with him for so long I’ve forgotten what this feels like. This uncertainty about what my own feelings are, and what the other person feels for me.”

“At least with Mingyu I knew that he never loved me back, not in that way, but this person...I don’t know what they’re thinking or feeling, their hopes and dreams...I don’t know **_them_ **.”

“But I think I want to Jihoon. Every time I see them I want to know all of them, every inch of their mind and soul, what they think about when they see a sunset or when they look at me” 

“I’m scared,” he whispers, “I’m so scared to get hurt again. What happens if I do know them and then get tossed away for something newer and more interesting. I don’t think I can handle that.” 

Jihoon is no longer glaring at him, but his face is soft and his eyes worried with water in the corners. Minghao feels the tears seep out as his voice cracks on the last words. He desperately wants to let himself love again, but he’s also terrified of having his already fragile heart shattered once again. 

Jihoon grabs his shoulders and hugs him tight,

“I understand Minghao,” he says into his t-shirt, “I don’t trust people very much, you know that.”

Minghao nods, his arms around Jihoon’s waist now,

“I keep everyone away because it’s safer, there’s no risk. But if you do that you’ll never find out that there are good people out in the world,” he pulls away, “Because of both you and Seokmin I started to realize that maybe people can be trusted, and then I met Soonyoung. I had a choice Minghao, I could choose to keep him away or let him in.” 

He cracks a smile, “And so far letting him in was one of the best things I’ve ever done. If you don’t ever take a risk, you’ll never find out what is truly out there for you. It just holds you back.” He ruffles Minghao’s hair and stands up, “Do you want hot cocoa?”

Minghao shakes his head. He has enough to think about tonight. 

-

Seokmin barges into his room, “Hey man, we’re going over to Soonyoung’s house to hang out with his roommates, grab your jacket.” 

Minghao blinks confused, “Why do I have to go?” 

Seokmin grabs his hand and pulls him up, “Because Jihoon wants us to meet them, apparently he wants us all to be friends.” 

He shrugs and throws some clothes in Minghao’s direction. Minghao shrugs back and begins to get dressed. The three friends are walking out the door when Minghao’s phone buzzes. He pulls it out and gulps when he sees the number. 

Mingyu. 

There must be something wrong if he’s calling Minghao like this. Minghao presses the phone to his ear and lets out a shaky “Hello”.

He can hear ragged breaths through the speaker, “Hey Mingyu, are you okay?” he says softly.

There’s no answer just a couple of coughs and more choked breaths. He starts to wonder if Mingyu called him by accident, but it sounds like something is wrong.

Minghao looks at his roommates, his eyes dark with worry, “You guys go, I need to check on Mingyu, something doesn’t feel right.”

They nod and he walks quickly towards Mingyu’s apartment. 

He still hasn’t hung up, and when he gets to the door he tells Mingyu to let him in, but there’s no answer. His chest is starting to feel tight with panic but he holds it in, trying to think rationally.

He digs into his pocket and pulls out his wallet. Mingyu had given him a spare key for emergencies and he kept it tucked away in his wallet just in case. He quickly opens the door, turning off his phone and calling out to Mingyu.

After a quick search, he finds him sprawled on the floor in a tangle of limbs, his breathing sounds labored and every few breathes he lets out a painful cough. Minghao’s hands are shaking at this point and he tries to understand the situation.

He grabs Mingyu’s arms and hauls him up propping him up on the couch, brushing back the sweaty hair on his brow and feeling for a temperature. It doesn’t seem like Mingyu has a fever, but something is obviously happening to make him this sick.

He sees Mingyu’s phone lying on the floor and he picks it up. Mingyu had known something was happening and tried to call Minghao but passed out before he could talk to him. With the shifted position, Mingyu was starting to breathe a little steadier, so Minghao stands up to grab a wet rag and some water. He tries to wipe off the sweat on Mingyu’s face, and almost cries with relief when he sees Mingy begin to stir. 

Mingyu cracks his eyes open and groans at Minghao, “You came.”

Minghao lays a hand on his friend’s shoulder, “Of course I did,” he says softly, “I would always come if you called, that’s what friends do.” Mingyu sits up slowly, and Minghao offers him the glass when he steadies himself. Mingyu sips it carefully, still having to stop a few times to cough. 

Minghao frowns at him, “Gyu, do you want to tell me what happened?” Mingyu looks almost ashamed,

“Not really,” he replies, “This isn’t something I ever wanted you to see, I don’t want anyone to see me like this.” Minghao doesn’t know what to say to that. 

“This...this is something that happens regularly?” He tries to sound calm, but a bit of his alarm seeps through his voice. 

Mingyu shakes his head, “I wouldn’t say regularly, but it isn’t unusual.” He scratches the back of his head sheepishly, “There’s something I need to tell you HaoHao.”

He takes as deep a breath as he can manage and begins. “You know those pills you found the last time you were here?” Minghao nods.

Mingyu hums, “Well they’re for a...condition I have. I have a lung condition that occasionally gives me fits were I can’t breathe and sometimes I pass out. It also makes it harder to breathe pretty much all of the time.” 

Minghao is shocked. How had his best friend kept this from him all these years? “Have you always had this, or…” 

Mingyu shakes his head again, “Not really, it’s always been there, but it didn’t get bad until the end of high school.” Minghao thinks back to that time and the way Mingyu had pulled away from him, it all suddenly makes sense. Mingyu suddenly laughs dryly.

“Oh and another thing. It’s slowly killing me.”

-

Minghao didn’t know how he was supposed to go back to regular life after finding out his friend is dying. Whenever he’s with Mingyu he can’t help staring at him for any signs of sickness or simply staring at his face when it’s turned away, trying to memorize the lines and expressions.

His phone has been buzzing for the past few days with texts from Jun, asking him why he hasn’t shown up to study group or if Minghao is mad at him about something.

He knows it’s unfair of him to ignore Jun, but his head is such a mess it’s easier to ignore the notifications. He let’s Joshua know he won’t be able to come for a while. Joshua is kind enough not to push for details, but tells Minghao to come back when he’s ready.

He keeps a close watch on Mingyu, doing small errands for him and sitting with him if things get bad. Mingyu begins improving and he eventually tells Minghao he’s going to be alright by himself.

Minghao knows his best friend enough to realize he is being gently moved out of the picture, but he doesn’t mind as much as he thought. Minghao and Mingyu’s friendship has been mended a little bit. They don’t talk or hang out as often but Minghao knows he’s still Mingyu’s best friend...whatever that counts for.

The next semester starts without much incident. Jun had stopped texting him and even though Minghao wants to talk with him, he isn’t sure how to go about it. 

_“Hey sorry I ignored you for a month but my friend is dying and I don’t know what to do”_

That didn’t sound like something he should send someone, so he settles for doing nothing. He knows he’s going to run into Jun at some point, but he tries not to think about it too much. For some reason thinking too much about Jun gives him an odd ache in his heart. He tries not to dwell too much on those feelings, they would only lead to trouble and he isn’t sure he’s ready for that.

Not again.

Not yet. 

So he does what he’s always done. He puts those feelings in a box and shoves that box so far down into his heart he can barely see it. He doesn’t deserve Jun anyway, he had been a fool trying to convince himself he can be happy and in love. 

He can’t, he’s not that person. 

Mingyu is almost back to normal. When Minghao looks at him now he doesn’t see a pale, sick man. Mingyu looks healthy enough you wouldn’t even guess there was a disease slowly killing him and stealing his time.

Minghao is in the library one day when Mingyu taps his shoulder and silently gestures for Minghao to follow him. He has a serious look on his face but there’s something Minghao can’t read behind his eyes and he’s scared of the meaning. 

Minghao follows him, “When did you get to the library? And why are you being so cryptic?”

Mingyu just keeps walking farther into the back and turns left into a deserted book row. He turns on his heel and stares down at Minghao. 

“I have something to tell you but have to promise you won’t freak out” 

Minghao nods lazily, leaning against the bookshelf trying to give off an air of nonchalance, “Go for it.”

Mingyu takes a deep breath and his next words come out in such a rush Minghao wasn’t sure he caught them all, 

_“Wonwoo and I are back together but he doesn’t know about my sickness and I don’t want to tell him because then he’ll be counting down the time and constantly worrying about me but I need you to promise you won’t tell him about it until I get the chance.”_

His face is pink from the exertion but he looks expectantly at Minghao. Minghao’s mouth is slightly ajar and his mind is still trying to catch up with the word vomit.

When it finally does he pushes Mingyu roughly away from him. 

“YOU HAVEN’T TOLD HIM?”, his voice is incredulous, and he’s surprised to find it shaking with pent up emotion. There’s a faint shushing noise coming from the front but Minghao doesn’t care. He knows how it feels. How it feels to have the one you love keep such a secret from you.

It hurts like hell and Minghao doesn’t think he’ll ever truly recover from it. 

He takes an angry step towards Mingyu who in turn steps back, a look of worried surprise written across his face. His hands come up in defense but Minghao bats them away. 

“You have to tell him. As soon as possible,” he grips Mingyu’s shoulder, voice low and restrained, “I won’t tell him because it’s not my place, but you can’t hurt him like that. It’s not right.” He steps away and turns to leave. 

“I’m sorry”, a small voice comes from behind him. He stops, his breath getting caught in his throat.

Long arms circle around his shoulders and he can feel tears falling against the back of neck, cold against his heated skin.

“I’m sorry I hurt you so much. I’ve been hurting you since high school haven’t I…” Mingyu’s tapers off and Minghao takes his arms off gently. He turns, still holding Mingyu’s hand and nods. 

“Yeah you have. I only looked at you for so many years. I was always there for you, I stood beside you when everyone else left. I even put up with the pain of watching you love others, all while my own heart was breaking”, his voice is calm and level. He had come to terms with all of this already and now he can admit it to Mingyu’s face. 

Mingyu has the grace to look apologetic, “I know,” Minghao almost chokes but Mingyu keeps going, “I figured it out a few years ago and...I felt the same way at the time.”

Minghao pushes him back again, a little less violent this time. Mingyu isn’t done, 

“I knew, I felt it too and it made me happier than anything to find out you loved me the same way I loved you. But I wasn’t strong enough to admit it to you. I knew I was dying, and I knew if held onto you it would only hurt you in the end.” 

Minghao isn’t sure how to respond to that, “But you’re willing to do that to Wonwoo?” He isn’t mad. He doesn’t love Mingyu in that way anymore, but he’s worried about what Mingyu is doing to Wonwoo. 

Mingyu squints at the ceiling, “I can’t let him go. I’ve tried forgetting him and moving on, I told myself it was better this way but,” his voice cracks and he covers his face with his hands, “Every time I try, the pain is more than I’ve ever experienced.” 

He looks into Minghao’s eyes, searching for an answer that he isn’t sure he will find, “It’s selfish of me I know, but I don’t have anything else in this world to live for. He gives me a reason to hope again. I’ve never felt like this before.” 

Minghao sighs, “I don’t like this,” he knows it sounds harsh but then again he’s always been the level-headed one, “But it’s your choice. You deserve to be happy.”

He looks away from Mingyu for a second, hesitating, then walks back to the front. He can feel Mingyu watching him walk away but he doesn’t turn back.

He’s letting Mingyu go. 

-

Minghao knows it’s time to go back to the tutoring club. He’s doing his best to work up the nerve but it still scares him. He thinks about the way Jun is going to react. He’ll probably never talk to Minghao again, or if he does it’s going to be sharp and cold.

Jun has never been anything less than warm and kind to Minghao, but he can’t imagine Jun being able to keep up the act after Minghao has mistreated him like that.

In the back of his heart he desperately wants Jun to welcome him back with enthusiasm and ignore everything that happened. But he’s smart enough to realize even the lovely Wen Junhui isn’t going to just forgive him that easily. 

He breathes deeply before pushing the door to the library open. There’s no going back now, he just needs to deal with the consequences.

The table in the center of the room is mostly full by the time he makes it over and voices call out his name in surprise. A few of the students ask him where he had disappeared to, and he replies with a vague story about some personal plans but doesn’t elaborate.

The back of his neck prickles and he looks around to where Jun is walking towards the table from the back of the library. The usually bright smile on his face fades quickly when Jun notices him, and Minghao freezes, feeling pinned to the ground by the suddenly hard eyes.

Jun looks away and sets his backpack on the table before sitting down on the opposite end, talking to his students. Minghao expected this, but his heart still betrays him by dropping straight down into his sneakers with disappointment. 

The rest of the session is spent trying to focus on working problems out with his students but always being painfully aware of the man sitting 10 feet away from him. When everyone is packing up to leave Minghao tries to catch Jun’s eye, to try and explain things maybe, he’s not exactly sure what he wants to say, but there has to be something.

But Jun keeps his eyes on the floor as he makes his way out of the library, and once he slips through the door Minghao watches him turn the corner and disappear.

The walk home is cold but not because of the weather. Minghao feels alone, empty. He doesn’t notice the fact he’s been walking in circles for the past hour until he finds himself standing outside the park, shadow falling silently on the grass as the sun sets behind him.

He sighs.

This always happens when he gets stressed or upset. His backpack hits the ground as he gets comfortable in the middle of the field. His mind is surprisingly blank but there is one thing on it.

A face with pointed nose and bright eyes. A strong jaw and soft skin. A blinding smile that makes his heart jump but...not unpleasantly. He wants to scream at the sky, to kick the moon out of his eyesight, to pull a star down with his anger. He isn’t angry at anyone besides himself.

He’s an idiot for being so blind to his own feelings, that was the problem with being hung up on someone else. Jun has wormed his way into Minghao’s heart, and Minghao has been so consumed with thoughts of Mingyu that he hasn’t paid attention to what is happening inside.

He tears a blade of grass from the ground and throws it half-heartedly in the air, but it swirls back down and lands on his face. He blows it off angrily but a sudden laugh has him sitting up so quickly his head spins.

A laugh he’s begun to associate with this park. He looks around the dusk and sees someone a few feet away leaning back on his hands with a smile that almost reaches the eyes on his face. A face he can finally see clearly.

“Jun”, Minghao’s breath comes out in a quiet gasp. Is he imagining this? Is this just what he wants to see or is it real? 

Jun folds his legs underneath him and leans forward to brush some grass out of Minghao’s hair. His hand lingers a second longer than necessary, but he pulls it away when he looks at Minghao’s face. Minghao wants to grab Jun’s hand before he can move back, but he stays still.

He sits and stares shamelessly at Jun’s face, shocked to find out how much he’s missed it. Jun shifts on the grass, looking uncomfortable for once. 

“What happened to you”, his voice is soft but has a steel edge to it. 

Minghao thinks about what he should say, how much he should reveal. He knows he shouldn’t but he can’t help wanting to tell Jun everything. 

“My friend is sick. Really sick, and I was taking care of him.” 

Jun nods, contemplating his words, “He’s still sick?” 

“Yeah, he’s going to be...for a while.” 

“Was that something you couldn’t tell me?” 

Minghao groans, falling back on the grass. He’s tired of keeping things to himself. The words pour out of him, being held back for so long that it felt like the pressure being released from a balloon until he was empty and silent.

Jun’s eyes bore into him and Minghao feels exposed, not a feeling he’s used to having. 

“I loved Mingyu for so long, Jun, I didn’t know anything else.” He sounds weak and it makes him cringe. But Jun seems to understand. 

“I get it. I know what it’s like to look at someone even when they don’t see you no matter how hard you try.” His words are heavy with meaning and Minghao coughs awkwardly. 

“Do you think we can try this again?” Minghao wasn’t expecting those words to come out, but he isn’t going to take them back. “Let’s try being friends again.” 

Jun nods almost too eagerly, and Minghao grins. 

“I’m sorry Jun,” his voice is strained now, “You deserve better than how I treated you. It won’t happen again.” 

Jun laughs warmly, and Minghao feels tingles sparking through his body. Jun doesn’t hate him. Jun is willing to forgive him. Jun still wants to be friends. 

As they sit there, it’s still a little awkward between them, but now it’s because they both have something unspoken that weighs on their hearts, and until it comes out there is going to be a wall there.

Minghao still isn’t sure if he can open his heart to Jun the way he wants it to, but he has time to figure that out. They stay in the park until it’s almost pitch dark and Minghao can barely see Jun sitting so close to him that their knees touch lightly. He finds it easy to open up like this.

Jun treats Minghao like he’s the most interesting person he’s ever talked to, but he’s comfortable to tell Jun things he’s never told anyone else. He tells of his childhood and things he’s barely even shared with Mingyu.

He has always been the caring friend who lets others lean on him when they’re weak, but being that friend means people don’t always listen to his problems. Being the strong one means hiding your weakness, but now Jun is being to Minghao what Minghao is to so many others.

He tells Jun how tired he is and how much he just wants things to freeze sometimes so that he can get some rest from his mind. His voice fades away and even though he can’t see it, he can tell Jun is looking at his face. He turns his face to the side, looking at the stars again. 

He hears Jun take a breath. 

“Mingyu’s boyfriend, Wonwoo, is my roommate.” He sounds sad and almost regretful. 

Minghao straightens in horror. “You can’t tell him.” 

Jun laughs, “I won’t, don’t worry. Mingyu needs to be the one who does it.” 

“He loves Wonwoo so much, I don’t know if he wants to take the chance of ruining it.” 

The silence stretches between them as they consider their options. Minghao finally tells Jun quietly that he needs to go home, and Jun agrees. 

“We’ve been here for a lot longer than I thought we would be. Then again, you usually stay here for half the night.” 

Minghao punches his shoulder softly. “I still can’t believe that was you.”

Jun scoffs, “And I can’t believe you pretended not to know me this whole time.”

“Well I wasn’t sure at first,” Minghao mumbles, “in my defense I couldn’t see your face.”

“But I remembered yours until I met you again in the library.” 

Minghao blushes furiously, glad Jun can’t see his cheeks. He turns around with a sniff, shouldering his backpack and walking away from Jun’s light laughter. He doesn’t hold back his huge smile. 

“When did you figure it out?” Jun calls after him. 

Minghao turns and calls back, “Your laugh.”

“How can I ever forget it.”

-

It’s like a switch has been flipped in Minghao’s heart. He finds himself smiling more readily at everything. Jihoon picks up on this and sits him down one day to ask what happened. He’s about to do the unthinkable and say the three words he’s been keeping locked up, but they keep getting caught in the back of his throat.

He was getting confident about his feelings when things had gone down with Mingyu, but now he’s back to square one. 

Jihoon has a look in his eyes, like he knows exactly what Minghao wants to say, and he pats him on the head gently, understanding. 

“You like him.”

He groans, his head in his hands, “I’ve never admitted it so you can’t prove anything.”

Jihoon is looking at him knowingly, “You practically did to me before.”

“Screw you.”

“Don’t be so lewd, I’m trying to help you out here.”

Minghao hears the front door open and jumps up, “That will be your annoying boyfriend, I need some water.”

He walks to the kitchen and greets Soonyoung in the hallway, who winks at him. 

“Hey Soonyoung, how are uh...you know...your roommates” 

Soonyoung glances behind him with a grin. Minghao turns and sees Jihoon with an innocent face, the one he uses when he’s trying to use his rare cuteness to get something. Minghao brushes past Soonyoung without waiting for an answer, his cheeks on fire.

This is the last time he tells Jihoon personal information, it will just end up with Soonyoung anyways. Even still, he feels oddly relieved he has talked to his roommate about Jun all this time. It’s better to get things off your chest instead of letting it weigh you down.

He learned this from Jun. 

People are OK to trust, he knows that for sure now. 

He’s sipping his water contentedly when his phone rings, making him jump. The screen has a name that makes his heart jump in both exhilaration and apprehension. He clears his throat, sets down the water gently, and takes a deep breath before pressing accept. 

“Hey Jun, do you need something?” he’s proud of how steady his voice sounds, considering the state of his heart, which is contemplating cardiac arrest. He’s noticed lately how nervous he’s been around Jun. He thinks twice about anything he says or does, afraid to make a mistake and for Jun to realize just how much Minghao doesn’t deserve to be his friend.

It’s a stupid and unfounded fear, but Minghao has lived his whole life like this, and you can’t break a lifetime of habit in a few weeks. 

“Yeah I uh…” Jun’s voice sounds oddly hesitant, not an emotion Minghao is used to hearing, “Do you have time today?”

Minghao smiles shyly, but quickly wipes it away, “Sure, when were you thinking”

“Well...right now? If you aren’t busy?” 

“Alright, that’s fine” he straightens, setting his cup in the sink, “Where should I meet you?”

“There’s a cafe a few blocks off the river, they have good hot chocolate. Let’s meet at the riverfront and we can walk there together”

Minghao thinks for a second. Oh. 

That was the place Wonwoo and Mingyu met for the first time while sober. 

“I’ll meet you there”. He tosses his phone on the bed, grabbing a clean shirt and pants from his closet. He stares at himself in the mirror before walking out. He looks good. He looks like someone who has their life in order.

How ironic.

It matters to him now how Jun perceives him. He always wants to be at his best around him. 

He doesn’t acknowledge Jihoon and Soonyoung in the living room on his way out. They look preoccupied anyway.

The walk down to the river is quiet on the outside, but the inside of Minghao’s head is full of noise. There are so many thoughts running around competing for his attention he feels as if they’re being blasted to the whole world. They all go quiet when he sees a lean figure sitting on a bench facing the river, face angled up to the sun.

Like a flower.

Minghao smiles at that comparison, it fits Jun. He’s like a flower who came into Minghao’s life and made him realize how drab it is without the color a flower gives off. Minghao almost laughs at how poetic that is. Maybe he should write a book. 

“How to Fall in Love When You’re an Idiot”.

It would be a best-seller. 

He walks up behind Jun and leans over him, blocking the sun. Jun cracks his eyes open and smiles softly. 

“You made it” 

He stretches like a cat before throwing an arm around Minghao and dragging him down onto the bench, keeping it suspiciously on his shoulders. Minghao’s body tenses up with how close they are, not prepared for this level of touching so early in the day. 

“I thought we were going to walk to that cafe?” he knows he sounds impatient but he isn’t sure how to react in this situation. 

“But the river is so pretty, look at those cute ducks swimming together” he points at a group of ducklings following their mother around, quacking at the top of their lungs. Minghao laughs, the tension flowing out of him.

They watch the ducks in silence for a while, until Minghao feels the weight of Jun’s arm heating his neck. That’s the excuse he gives when he pushes it off and stands up, holding his hand out to Jun to help him up. There’s a hint of a frown on Jun’s lips, but it disappears quickly when he grabs Minghao’s hand, walking quickly away.

He’s not letting go of Minghao, and Minghao can feel that heat again now crawling up his arm. 

Making their way down the street Jun points out every pretty flower or bird he sees, never stopping for a breath. Minghao is a little confused at this change of pace, but he’s not complaining as it gives him time to put his thoughts in order. Jun finally runs out of things to say when they make it to the cafe and drops his hand, Minghao holding the door open for him.

They sit down with their hot chocolates, and Minghao tries to make smalltalk. It’s never been this hard to talk with Jun and he decides he hates it. 

“Are you ok Jun? You seem off” Minghao isn’t sure if he’s allowed to say that to Jun but he wants this to end. 

Jun turns red and looks away, “I feel awkward around you Minghao”

Minghao feels his heart freeze and his eyes go hard, “What does that mean?”

Jun looks suddenly scared at the way Minghao shuts down, “I just mean I don’t know what to say to you right now. I feel like I’m going to make a mistake and then you’ll...I don’t know, walk out or something” His voice is desperate, and Minghao’s heart squeezes in sympathy. 

“I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been feeling that way around you since the day I met you in the study room, seeing your stupid face smiling at me.” His mug is now very interesting, the way the milk swirls around and mixes with the chocolate. 

He feels a hand thread through his on the table, and he looks up to see Jun’s soft face staring at him, almost with amazement. Minghao realizes then just how much he wants this.

He squeezes the hand and for the first time welcomes the warmth that comes from it. He can’t keep running away from the way Jun makes him feel, he’ll end up regretting it for the rest of his life. He can’t stop it either. 

“This is going to sound weird, and don’t take it the wrong way,” he looks into Jun’s eyes, “but I tried my hardest not to like you. I thought I would only get hurt in the end”

“I know, that’s why I had to keep trying”

“Thank you for not giving up on me”

Jun leans forward, inches away from Minghao, “You’re worth it”

Minghao still isn’t used to receiving this level of attention and affection, but it makes him feel like maybe, just maybe, he actually deserves it. 

Jun sits back and Minghao pouts to himself, he liked that distance. He can see the soft flecks in Jun’s eyes and Minghao knows he would be able to look at them for hours and not get bored. 

When did he become such a sap? Minghao from a year ago would gag at the thoughts running through his head. Jun laughs at his expression, as if he could read Minghao’s mind. He’s enjoying the way he can make Minghao so flustered. 

The pace home was less rushed as they take their time enjoying the cool evening air. Jun’s shoulder keeps brushing against Minghao and he eventually sighs at the obvious hints he’s getting, slipping his hand into Jun’s, who practically giggles.

He lets Jun lead him back towards the river where they met, and leans over the rail to watch the waves gently lap the bank in the dark. He can feel Jun’s eyes running over him and he shifts awkwardly.

Jun takes a step forward to puts his hands on either side of Minghao, bracketing him against the metal and rests his chin on Minghao’s shoulder. Minghao smiles at the warmth pressing against his back. He turns around slowly and faces Jun, watching his expression light up. 

“Hey,” he breathes, looking into the soft eyes he admired so much. Jun smiled, not needing to reply. Minghao reaches up and brushes the hair away from Jun’s forehead. “You need a haircut.” 

Jun nods, leaning into Minghao’s hand. “But if I do, I won’t have an excuse to have you brush it away.”

“You could just ask me anyway,” Minghao laughs, fiddling with the hair under his palm, “I’d do it.” 

When he doesn’t respond, Minghao looks back up at him. 

“I’m going to kiss you now. Is that okay?” There’s no laughter in Jun’s voice anymore, and Minghao suddenly finds it hard to get the air out of his lungs. 

“No,” the word comes out softly and Jun pulls back, looking alarmed, but Minghao tugs him back with his hand on the nape of Jun’s neck, 

“Because I want to kiss you first.” 

Jun’s lips are as soft as Minghao always thought they would be. He can taste the chocolate mixed with something else. Something so uniquely Jun. Uniquely sweet. Uniquely brilliant.

Uniquely loving, making Minghao want more. 

Jun seems to melt into Minghao’s hands, wrapping his arms around Minghao and gripping tightly. Minghao can feel the built up tension flowing out of him. He’s not sure how, but he can taste unspoken promises from Jun, and a thank-you for opening up at long last.

There’s also an apology in there. Minghao knows he’s not the best with words or letting people know how he feels, so he pours as much as he can into this kiss. He apologizes for everything he’s done to Jun, all of the times he’s hurt him, and for being the blind idiot he is. 

Jun responds by kissing Minghao harder, letting him know everything is forgiven. Never to be apologized for again. Minghao didn’t know it was possible to feel this much at one time, and he can feel tears prickling up behind his eyes. Jun slows, taking his time in telling Minghao how he much he means to his world. 

Those threatening tears begin to fall and Jun stops, smiling down at Minghao, brushing his cheeks dry and pressing soft kisses wherever his finger touch. Minghao is smiling like an idiot now, letting his emotions roll through him unabated for once.

He tucks his head under Jun’s chin, listening to the heartbeat thrumming strongly under his cheek, a reassurance of this reality. 

Words that Minghao has never dared to say to anyone are at the tip of his tongue, but before he can open his mouth he hears his phone ring. 

It’s Wonwoo.

He answers-

-and feels as though the lungs have been ripped out of his chest. He can’t catch his breath and he can faintly hear Jun calling his name worriedly. Minghao pushes him away and tears out of the park. Jun is yelling after him, panic running through each word he says. 

Mingyu collapsed. 

He’s in the hospital. 

Wonwoo isn’t sure what happened. 

Wonwoo had barely been able to string sentences together, but Minghao got the gist of what he meant. When Minghao makes it to the emergency room, his eyes find a figured crumpled in a chair looking broken and desperate. Minghao walks over to Wonwoo and tries to find out the details, but Wonwoo is too shocked to answer.

Minghao grabs a doctor hurrying down the hallway and demands to know how Mingyu is doing. The doctor looks around for a second and motions for Minghao to follow him away from the waiting room. 

“He passed out while he was with your other friend over there,” he points as Wonwoo, “We don’t know the details at this point but,” he pauses with a pitying look on his face 

“It doesn’t look good.” 

Minghao stands frozen as the doctor walks away, his mind blank and shocked. A hand shakes him and he jumps, startled. Jun is breathlessly asking what happened, shaking Minghao out of his stupor. 

“Mingyu is dying,” his lungs feel like they can’t get enough air, “He’s going to die Jun, he’s going to die and there’s nothing they can do about it.”

Jun smooths Minghao’s hair away from his forehead and pulls him into his chest. Minghao can feel tears staining the shirt under his cheek, but he can’t hold back the sobs that get caught in his throat. His knees give out and he drags Jun down to the cold tiles with him. 

“We need to have the doctor explain everything to Wonwoo,” Jun says quietly.

Minghao sits with Wonwoo’s hand clenching in his as the doctor goes through all the details with the shocked boy. He gives Wonwoo a letter, and Minghao walks away.

Jun is there.

He holds Minghao tightly and whispers things to him, but Minghao can’t understand him with the pain roaring through his head.

-

Minghao doesn’t remember much of what happens after that day. There is a funeral.

There is the most painful day: cleaning Mingyu’s empty apartment and clearing away his things to be put into storage and dealt with later.

There is the day Wonwoo left with just a brief goodbye, saying he needs space. 

He sometimes starts to feel like he’s drowning, his lungs constricting and pressure building in his head, but Jun knows the signs before it gets too bad and he grabs Minghao’s hand to pull him out. 

Minghao isn’t sure why Jun is still around, if he’s honest with himself. Minghao feels like a shell of what he used to be. He goes through the motions and acts as if he’s not gasping for sweet air inside, but Minghao feels as if he doesn’t deserve to be here with Mingyu gone. He failed Mingyu in so many ways: he didn’t recognize his friends pain, his sorrow, his burden. 

And now Minghao would never be able to make that up. 

-

Minghao hears a sharp knock on his door, 

“Come out, you need to eat”, Jihoon sounds tired. 

Minghao rolls over and stares blankly out of the window near his bed, watching the wispy clouds run across the sky. The puddle of sunlight on the windowsill taunts him with warmth he’s been missing for months now. 

When he finally appears in the kitchen Soonyoung smiles at him from Jihoon’s side. 

“I haven’t seen you in a while, how are you doing?”

“Better I guess…” Minghao never has a good answer for that question. 

What do they expect him to say? _“Oh yeah I’m completely over the death of my best friend. How have you been?”_

Unlikely. 

Soonyoung nods kindly, recognizing his mood. Minghao hears another knock, this time the front door, and he glances at Jihoon confused, “Are you expecting someone else?” 

“Yeah Jun is coming over.”

Minghao straightens, “Really? Why didn’t you tell me, I would have taken a shower or something”

Jihoon raises an eyebrow, “I doubt you being stale really makes a difference to Jun, he looks at you as if you’ve polished the stars yourself”

Minghao blushes furiously, ignoring Jihoon’s smug face. 

He opens the door to see Jun’s rosy cheeks light up as he notices Minghao looking up at him. Minghao gets pulled into a tight hug and a soft peck on the temple. Jun has gotten even worse with PDA in the last few months. If anyone asks, Minghao will tell them it’s annoying, but he can’t stop the corners of his mouth turning up in shy delight.

His hands grasp Jun’s shirt slightly before he pulls away and turns around to lead him in. 

-

Jun is bringing him back. He’s learning to let go and find his purpose again. 

He used to feel as if he didn’t deserve to be the one still breathing effortlessly, he had failed his best friend and sometimes dreads the feeling of going to all the places that held memories of him. He knows he’s changed, but he also knows it isn’t such a bad thing. Change is inevitable, and sometimes pain makes you into a stronger person than before. 

Sure, it hurts like nothing he’s ever experienced and he’s never going to be complete in the same way again, but he’s whole in an entirely new way now. Mingyu would want this.

Mingyu would have hated the broken man Minghao had been. He would appreciate the way Jun cares for Minghao, and the fact that he hasn’t left Minghao when he needs someone the most.

Jun and Mingyu had never really gotten the chance to become friends, and Minghao will forever regret that. 

So many regrets.

But he has all the time in the world now to be with Jun. 

Jun is so free and open with his emotions, unlike Minghao who stubbornly refuses to show what’s going on inside his head and heart. For the first time in his life, he wants to scream his feelings out the window for everyone to hear. Jun deserves someone who can tell him things and share their troubles.

Minghao knows he’s not like that, but he desperately wants to make Jun as happy as he makes Minghao, so he devises a plan. 

-

“Minghao?”, a voice calls from outside the room. Minghao is standing in the middle of the tutoring room nervously wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans and trying to keep his legs from running away. 

“Where are you?” 

Minghao makes his way towards the door and opens it softly, “In here, Jun.”

Jun smiles widely and pushes past him into the room. 

“You said it was urgent, so what’s up?”

Minghao closes the door and clears his throat, “Well...I have something I need to tell you.” 

Jun narrow his eyes, “Okay, but if you’re trying to break up with me, I’m not letting you try that again.”

“No, nothing like that,” Minghao laughs shakily, “Something a lot happier.”

He pulls Jun to the table and picks up the plate lying there. 

“I made these for you.” 

Jun chuckles, “Just like the time when you broke my heart, and then apologized in the most ‘Minghao’ way ever.”

He takes Jun’s hands and turns to face him, “Like I said, I need to tell you something.”

“You make me better. You saved me when I almost lost my way. Every day you remind me that I deserve happiness. Every time you touch me I can feel your heart reaching out to mine, and I’m sorry that I don’t always reach back to you.” 

Jun’s mouth is slightly agape, his cheeks flushed, and hands clutching Minghao’s tightly. 

“I can’t come up with the words in any language to express it exactly. I cherish you. I adore you,” 

“I love you,” he breathes the last words out, praying that Jun can’t see how scared he is of the response. 

Jun’s face is a radiant picture of devotion. “I can’t believe you’re the one to say it first,” he says impressed, “I never wanted to pressure you or make you feel burdened, but I’ve been wanting to say it since I heard you pour out your heart in that park.” 

“I just wanted to tell you that someone cared about you, that you deserve to be cared for in the most loving way possible.” Jun has never sounded so serious. 

Minghao holds onto Jun as if he’s the one thing anchoring him to this earth. 

“You love me,” he breathes. 

Jun nods into Minghao’s shoulder, “I love you so completely.”

“Everything about you.”

“I love _you._ ”

**Author's Note:**

> Well here we have the other side of Half of Me. Getting the timelines to match up was a Job so excuse some mistakes if you catch them. I hope you enjoyed reading it!  
> I’m completely open to expanding this universe, so let me know if you want to see how Soonyoung and Jihoon fall in love.  
> :)


End file.
